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Secrets of successful marriages

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up." — Barbara Bush

Marriage is a complicated and personal concept. Its meaning ranges from the melting of two special souls in a union of love to a financial merger complete with pre-nup contracts and inventory lists. Traditionally, it is a statement: "You are IT — The One — I've looked over the others and there is no match for you — I must have you in my life for a happy future." It comes with a ceremony that, despite cultural and religious differences, has more similarities than divergences. The differences happen later, after the gifts are opened and the couple retreats to their relationship.

My divorced male friend D. says if you simply must get married, live together first. Dive in. To hell with the survey that says it doesn't work. Communicate. If you can't do that, call the engagement off. Here are some topics for exploration before deciding on marriage:

How much time do we spend together?

Do I need permission to hang out with the friends you hate?

Who keeps track of the money?

Who decides how to spend it?

How often does your family come for dinner?

Do they help clean up?

To whom do we lend money? (Your chronically out-of-work sister? Does she qualify as a charitable tax deduction?)

How much of your mother's approval do we need when making decisions?

Who explains to your father why we no longer want to spend summers at the cabin fishing?

The list is limitless — and being caught unawares has caused more squabbles than splitting up the guest list for the big event

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
— Johnny Carson

Good marriages involve compromises and a sense of appreciation for the absurd, as the fusing of folks into a partnership brings some of the most basic areas of life into debate. Other than agreeing to breathe in and out regularly, there are endless possibilities for surprise. For example, The Appliance Agreement — as in how much of the fridge will be taken up with bottles of beer, ketchup, mustard and relishes (green for hot dogs, red for burgers). And how much will be left for items that fit into the four real food groups. She will never understand his need for sardines, garlicky greasy hotdogs or more than one type of relish. He will never comprehend how five extra pounds can ruin a perfectly heavenly opportunity for sex.

Then there's the decor. Droves of couples have slammed unaware and unprepared into this one. Maybe his apartment was charmingly Early Guy and you liked the souvenir Bali fertility blanket in hues of lime and brown the first time you saw it. But you were hoping to move on to something more — you know — magazine decorator style. Warning: Brown, black and a smattering of blue are boy colors. Girls like fluffy flowery prints or chairs in colors like tulip yellow and maraschino cherry red. Many couples meet halfway by buying everything in beige.

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner

The best person to marry is someone who will appreciate your personal craziness — a person who turns all dissentions, scream fests and arguments into humorous anecdotes by morning. If the other person really likes you, the marriage will survive the absence of make-up, occasional obnoxious body fumes, bad stock picks and horrid soggy vacations (in that place you said was in the middle of rainy season, but he wouldn't listen). If you can be yourself, react only infrequently to your partner's profundo blunders and still laugh, you might be successful at this operation.

"The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character." — Peter Devries

People remain the same in marriage — it's their perception of each other that changes. The first night they sleep together, she finds him in the bathroom. He flosses meticulously — working his way around, he flicks the little pieces of tooth debris off the floss. The first time she says to herself, "Isn't he great — hygiene is important." Later, it becomes "Yech, what a disgusting habit. Look at the mess on the mirror. Ever hear of Windex?" Early on, he loves that she speaks her mind in a crowd. Later, he'll say, "Can't you just let it go? Do you have to argue with everybody?" Remember you married your hero and all these little quirks are what contribute to the adorable factor.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." — Mignon McLaughlin

Successful partnerships thrive on appreciation, and it helps if there is a bit of trauma thrown in. I have a friend who fell in love with a Bosnian doctor while she was stationed overseas. Apparently, bombs exploding overhead make people passionate. Misfortune can do that, or seeing the person in a new light. One friend said he fell in love with his wife again after he unexpectedly showed up at a business lecture she was giving. "I never realized how powerful she was. It was a turn-on. My usual snapshot of her is her driving the kids around to soccer, or hovering over her computer."

"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry." — Chekhov

Being lonely in a close relationship is much scarier than feeling alone on a mountaintop. In the confines of sharing a toilet, a fridge and leftover artichoke dip, people sometimes compensate by withdrawing into their own world. A mate who pursues the other to share everything can be invasive (a penny for your thoughts, five bucks for the whole brain). The result can be the erection of more mental fences and less connectedness in the partnership. The couple who never leave each other's side at parties have nothing to talk about later ("Guess who I talked to?" "I know who — I was massaging your neck at the time").

The common expectations of marriage include a dinner partner, a traveling companion and someone to debate the morning news over coffee before work. The couple who couldn't seem to get out of bed for five days straight at the start of the relationship will find things change. The trick is to like yourself before getting married — otherwise you'll be bringing dull company to the party. Getting married is not a way to compensate for being afraid of the dark. If that's your motivation, buy a night light instead.

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