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An officer in the British Army from the days of the Raj returns to India many years after Indian
Independence. He has heard tales about deterioration of His Lovely India. He notices a man taking
a piss on the roadside.He is appalled at the state of Anarchy his India has come to. The Gora
Sahib is out of the Taxi in a flash and upon the roadside pisser.
(Keep the British accent in Mind here. Picture the scene:- the pisser has not stopped pissing,
and the Gora has never seen anything like this. He has read newspaper articles about such things
happening in his Lovely India)
"Kya karta hai ... kya karta hai" demands the Gora Sahib
"Paishab karta hai" The Pisser answers with Contempt
"Kyon karta hai" demands the Gora who is now red in the face
"Aata hai iss leya karta hai" is the answer
How can you do this he wants to know
"Kaise karta hai, Kaise karta hai" he asks in broken Hindi
"Aaise karta hai" Says the fellow providing a side view
The Gora cant believe the lawlessness
"Police nahin Pakadta hai"!
"Nahin ... Khud pakadna padta hai"
There is a classroom of some small children (5-7 yrs). Obviously there was one ordinary boy (Ramu)
and one smart boy (Shyam). The trilogue between the two and the teacher goes some thing like this.
Ramu: "Teacher, teacher, BUS pulling (male) hai ya sthreeling (female)?
Teacher: thinking ...
Shyam: teacher, teacher ... it is sthreeling
Teacher & Ramu: kyon?
Shyam: "kyon ki sab log uspe chadte hain."
Teacher is pareshaan! While Ramu gets a doubt
Ramu: "agar BUS sthreeling hai aur sab uspe chadte hain to usko bacchhe kyon nahi hote.
Teacher is more pareshaan!!!
Shyam: "kyon ki sab peeche se chadte hain."
Teacher is now hiding her face)))
Ramu gets another doubt ...
Ramu: "maana sabhi peeche se chadte hain but driver aur conductor tho aage se chadte hain, phir
bacchhe kyon nahi hote".
Teacher thinks it's getting too much to handle ...
Shyam replies: "kyon ki woh dono topi pahen ke chadte hain"
Teacher Faints!
(THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL I HAVE EVER HEARD )
Read this one with an 'Angrezi' (Britisher or American) accent.
A Poor bihari villager named GANPATRAI who really needs a job, is being interviewed
by a britisher for a job
Britisher : Han to gand fat raha hai (Ganpatrai)!!
Bihari: nahi sir, jyada nahi!!
Britisher: kya jyada nahi bolta hai, tumhara application me likha hua hai Ganpatrai
Bihari : Thik hai mai bap, likha hai to fat raha hoga
Britisher: tum daily marata (means to say tum Delhi me rehta) hai??
BiharI : nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!
Britisher : kya kabhi kabhi, Ganpathrai, idar aaoo, bolta hai, tumhara application me likha hua
hai ki tum daily marata
Bihari : thik hai mai bap, likha hai to marata hounga. (Thinks-saali ek baar maraee thi, voh bhi
file me likh diya)
The bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Britisher's family asks him to do.
Britisher : Gandfatrai!!
Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.
Britisher : Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai
Ganpatrai : hukum Sarkaar
Britisher : Tum pehla hamaari beti ko Chodega (Leave HER) phir hamaari biwi ko Chodega aur uske
baad hum ko chodega
Ganpatrai: Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumri biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekinmain
aap ko nahi chodh sakta
Britisher: Ganpathrai, Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega
Ganpatrai: Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare
Britisher: Ganpathrai, agar Tum hum ko nahi chodh sakta to hum tumko nokri
se nikaal denga
Ganpatrai: Theek hai sarkaar hum tum ko bhi Chodega..
Next day...The wife of the Britisher is Relaxing on the Lawn
Wife : Ganpatrai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai: Ji Memsahib
Wife : Ganpatrai, jaldi se jaao aur hamare liye chai banaa ke le aaoo. Aaj hum chai Laund (Lawn)
pe piyega
Ganpatrai : Lund pe memsahib?
Wife : Haa! Laund pe
Ganpatrai : Theek hai Memsahib hum abhi jaavat hai aur lund pe chai le aate hai
After sometime Ganpatrai comes balancing the tea tray on his L When he reaches the wife on the
lawn the tray is about to fall. Just then the wife catches the tray
Wife(excited): Ganpatrai, Tum ne hammarrri Phuddi (Furti) dekha?
Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Memsahib hum ne tumahhar Phuddi nahi dekha
Wife: Saala Jhootaa Ganpatrai tumne hammara phuddi dekha
Ganpatrai : Nahi dekha madam sahib?
Wife: Bolo ke tumne dekha nahi to hum saaab ko bolke tumko naukri se nikaal dengaa.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai memsahib hum ne tumhaara phuddi dekha
After a few days There is no one except The britishers wife at home. She is alone in her bedroom.
While wearing her bra she is unable to put the knot behind. So..
Wife: Ganpatrai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai : Ji Memsahib
Wife: Ganpatrai, hammara iska peeche se gaand (Ganth(knot)) maaro
Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Madam Sahib. Wife : Ganpatrai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late
hota hai
Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Memsahib. akar maine aap ki gaand maaro to hum ko sarkar kachha kha jayenge
Wife: Ganpatrai, agar tumne jaldi se hammari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kachha kha jaayengi
Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin main tumki gaand maarta hun
Ganpatrai who has been frustrated for this thing for a long time mounts the Memsahib, and starts
pounding her arse.
The Britisher's Wife is in a Panic and shouts
" GANDPHATRAI, GANDPHATRAI, GANDPHATRAI "
Ganpatrai : Arre Chilaana nahin Memsahib, Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega
One day Jagan Nath comes home from work extremely tired. He pours himself a
few shots of whiskey, undoes his trousers, and sinks into his favorite
sexual fantasy. His 5 year old daughter; Guddi,comes up to him and grabbing
his member asks him
" Papa papa yeh kya hai "
Jagan is in no mood for all this and quickly answers
" bete, chidia hai " (it's a bird)
Saying this He shifts back to his 'Fantasy'.
The real world awaits Jagan when he comes to, he is in a cast upto his
chest. There is an oxygen tent around his face. He is being given a blood
transfusion. Basically, it seems as though he is on the critical list. After
showing some signs of life, the Nurse removes his oxygen mask. Jagan begins
to mumble
Jagan: " mai kahan hoon, aur yeh sab kaise hua "? (Where am I, and what
happend to me)?
Doctor: " aap haspataal mein hain, aur jab humne aap ko es haal mein paya,
wahaan aapke bacchi majood thi. Usko sab maloom hoga "
Jagan: " Munni beta kya hua tha papa ko batao "
Munni: " Pappa pappa, hum chidia ke saath khel reha thai na ...........to
accanak se chidiya ne humpe thook diya!
.......Humko bada gussa aaya, humne chidia ke gardan marodh de, ande todh
deye, aur ghonsle mein aag laga de.
Two sperms Ramu and Shamu get talking about their career plans (while
they're still in some guys testicles)
"tu janam lene ke baad kya benega" ask Ramu
(what career path are you going to take)
"main Doctor banuga, sab ka elaj karoonga, bade paise kamaoonga" says Shamu
"aur tu janam lene ke baad kya karega" Shamu asks Ramu
"main Engineer banuga, uske baad NASA main scientist banuga" says Ramu
The next thing you know, both Ramu and Shamu are breathing their last in a
used condom.
"sale ne do minute ke maje ke leya hum dona ke career barbaad kar deeye" are
their dying words.
*
A Saas (mother in law) bored with her life was peeping into her newly wed
Son's bedroom. Her bahu (daughter in law) comes into the room in the Nude
hugs her husband and says ...
"aap ko mera birthday suit kaisa laga"?
(how do you like my birthday suit)
Husband says he loves it ... & passionate lovemaking follows
The Saas decides to use a similar approach to rekindle some passion into her
Husband.
She shows up nude the same evening, and asks her Hubby
"aap ko mera birthday suit kaisa laga"?
(with the same ada as her bahu)
"birthday suit to accha hai " says the hubby
... " par press karane wala hai"
The city's richest man after leading a debauched life for many a year now
decides to marry and settle down. He has seen such loose morals and filth in
his lifestyle that he now wants to marry a woman who is very innocent- one
that does not even know what a penis is. There is a long line of aspirants
outside his office, as he sits inside screening them.
He sits in his chair with no pants on, and as his wannabe brides come in, he
points towards his cock and asks just one question.
"yeh kya hai" (what is this)
The responses are mixed, some say 'lund hai' others 'lul', 'lulli', 'lauda',
'lingha' etc. It's apparant to him that these ladies do not have the
innocence he is looking for.
A ghasti (prostitute) is also in line, hoping to turn her life around by
marrying the city's most eligible bachelor. Her turn finally arrives at the
end of the day, the playboy has almost given up all hope. He looks at the
beautiful woman at the door, asks her to come in. He then proceeds to ask
her the testing question.
"yeh kya hai" as he carefully watches her reaction.
The gashti starts giggling uncontrollable. When she stops he asks her again
"is ko kya kehtain hain"
She finally stops her giggling and answers ...
"yeh choha hai" (it's a mouse) and giggles some more.
The playboy is floored! He has finally found his bride. They are married
within a week. As he walks into the Bridal Chamber for his suhaag raat he
decides to give his lovely new wife her first lesson. He unzips his pants
and asks her the same question again.
"bhagyavan ... yeh kya hai"?
Only to see her break into a giggling fit as on their first meeting.
"chooha hai" she says resisting more laughter.
he explains very patiently
"nahin nahin ... es ko lauda kehte hain"
the bride extends her hand, touches her elbow and says
"aji chodo bhi, laude to itne bade bade hote hain ... yeh tau chooha hai."
A man goes to a low end hooker district and starts price shopping.
He asks the first one " Kitne me dege " (how much)?
"Pacchas rupiyah"(fifty rupees) is the answer.
He approaches the next girl; who is the same age and equally attractive. He
asks her the same question
John: " kitne main degi? " (how much)
Hooker: " do sau rupiyah " (200 hundred rupees)
John: " Hain! par woh pacchas main de rahi hai. Tera rate itna high kyon
hai?"
(she wants only 50 rupees. Why is your rate so high?)
The hooker lifts her skirt, parts her legs and says to the John
" Haath daal " (Put your hand in)
The John puts his hand in.
Hooker: " dusra haath bhi daal " (put your other hand in too)
The John puts in both hands.
Hooker: " tali baja " (clap your hands)
The John tries to clap his hands but cant
John: "nahin bajte" (can't clap)
Hooker: "wahan bajte hai" (you can with her)
A rape victim walks into a Police station and is greeted by a very polite
thulla (cop)
Thulla:- "aaeye behenji kya hua"
"mera balaatkaar ho gaya" says the woman (I was raped)
"statement likhane padhe ge behanji"
So the cop pulls out his book and writes- as the woman narrates her woeful
tale
Woman:- "mai bus se utre, voh mera peecha karne laga"
Thulla:- "phir kya hua behanji"
Woman:- "mai apne ghar ke taraf mudi, voh mere peeche tha"
Thulla:- "phir kya hua behanji"
Woman:- "raat ka time tha, nikkad pe uss ne mujhe pakad leeya. bacchane wala
koi nahin tha
Thulla:- "phir kya hua behanji"
Woman:- "phir uss ne mere saare kapde utaar deye"
Thulla:- "phir kya hua behanji"
Woman:- "phir hona kya tha ... tere behan chud gaye"
Nasir Khan has a very small penis. He has tried every cure ... but it's
still like a moongphali (peanut). One day he visits a Hakim with a miracle
cure. The Hakim gives him a bottle of his magic pills- "take only one a day
for a month" says the medicine man.
Nasir is too impatient and swallows all 30 tables at once. He watches his
member grow, and grow, and grow from the overdose. His body cannot cope with
the demand and he Nasir dies 2 hrs after consuming the bottle. He is buried
the next morning. His dick has grown 3 feet by now, it is 'cut off' and
buried beside him.
The Hakim's medicine is just too potent ... the dead man's penis keeps
growing, even in his grave. The graveyard's caretaker sees it grow out of
the ground the next morning, he cuts it off and buries it beside the body.
It's time for another crop that very evening. The caretaker couldn't be
bothered with this constant upkeep. He exhumes the body and buries it face
down. Now it can grow all it wants he thinks.
A week later around midnight- a man is walking by the graveyard when he sees
a bunch of ghosts huddled together outside the graveyard. An emergency
meeting of sorts it appears. Some are sitting on the pulliya with looks of
dispair.
"kya baat hai bhai sahib ... bade pareshaan ho"
(you look worried, what's the matter)
"kya batayen bhai sahib ... sare umar gand maraaye, socha tha marne ke baad
chain se so sake ge ... lekin yahaan bhi hamari gand mari ja rahi hai!"
SANTA SINGH'S WINDOWS 97
Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional, places an ad in
all world famous news papers for a single position who would be in charge of
their next operating system Windows-97. This becomes scary news as the ad
says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates. Microsoft receives only
three applications as the outcome, from an American, Japanese and an Indian
(of course you guessed it right, no one other than Santa Singh). They are
all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for the interview. Bill gates says "I
will ask you only one question and your answer should decide your fate". All
of them prepared to face Mr. Gates eagerly wait for the question. Bill asks
"How do we achieve Windows-97 from Windows-95?" American & Japanese are
puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa smiling and dancing in his chair
says "balle balle" in his mind. After a while American answers "Fix bugs in
Windows-95 for smooth transitions", Bill shouts "Get out of here...". The
poor guy runs out. The Japanese says "Make Windows-97 more user friendly
than Windows-95". Bill Gates screams "get the hell out of here....". Gates
looks at Santa, Santa giggles and says: "RENAME Windows-95 Windows-97".
Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job"
LEARN JAVA AND GO TO HEAVEN
Once an old man was sitting in the park reading book "Learn Java in 21
Days".
A passer by saw him and asked, "U are such an old man, why do you bother to
learn Java?"
"I have heard that the communication language in heaven is Java and so after
my death when I will be in heaven, I don't want to face any communication
problem." the old man replied.
"But how come U are so sure that U will be in heaven? U could in hell also."
he asked.
"Ya, it doesn't matter then .... I already know COBOL".
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something Terribly wrong in your back.
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear
nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they
were dead!
SOOAR KA BACCHA
Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back to
Patna , when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car. The
piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the
owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages. The driver is gone for
two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a
wondering look on his face.Laloo wants to know what happened. The driver
tells him "Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe
hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai, tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko
laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama
kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai.
Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya." Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee,
Theek theek batao. Tum unko kya bola tha?" The driver replies "Hum kaha ki
hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon
BIRTH CONTROL (THIS IS TOO MUCH)
After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough. So
then Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in a empty Coke can,then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10. Laloo said to the doctor, "I'm the smartest man
in Bihar, but I don't see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next
to my ear is going to help me with my problem." So the couple drove to Delhi
to get a second opinion. The Delhi physician was just about to tell them
about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed by their Medical records
that they were from Bihar. This doctor instead told Laloo to go home and get
a Diwali atom bomb, light it,place it in a Coke can and hold it to his ear
and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were
talking about and couldn't be wrong, Laloo went home, lit a atom bomb, put
it in a coke can. He held it up to his ear and began to count with his
fingers on his left hand : "1,2,3, 4,5" At which point he paused, placed the
coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand.
LALOO'S MOODS
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was huge rush the
securityguard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and
moved down.
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN ...IN ONE
YEAR" At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the :bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man'scompanion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE."The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"Laloo
replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once
he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the
cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page
of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation forBusiness Development
to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he
stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn
it into an economic superpower like Japan."Laloo was very surprised. "You
Japanese are very inepicient," he stated."Give me three days and I will turn
Japan into the next Bihar!"
A Reporter asked Laloo "Whats the main reason for divorce?" "Marriage"he
promptly replied.
ENGLISH TO CHINESE
Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. = Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man = Dum Gai
Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! = No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. = Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift = Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here = Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? = Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. = Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet? = Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. = No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to "The Macarena"? = Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright = Yu So Dum
I got this for free = Ai No Pei
I am not guilty = Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. = Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived = Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight = Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, was looking
around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the
distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
'No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the
doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has
had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no
improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to
give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice
that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home,
get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge
me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead.
This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache
is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six
weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your
advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and
this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
This yuppie couple in started their own computer business and for a while
did really well. Then after the great internet crash, business started
dropping off.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn
to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh Yeah ??? Well, if you'd learn how to make
love, we could fire the chauffeur AND the gardener."
Santa Singh was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the
sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching cricket, she got up,
walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
"Hey," Santa shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't
touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"Okay, Okay. So..."
After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Azhar gets laid?"
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were
getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're
starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend
the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the
campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes
north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon
and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out
and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was
your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had
sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I
could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did
you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer
before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing
young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she
invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate
love.
On the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him something
awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin
their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.
"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I
played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman,
went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it
won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."
His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You
played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a
sentence. Well, Little Puttu Swami has his hand raised in the back of the
class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know
the answer, so she calls on Ramesh.
Ramesh replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies.
"What about you Suresh ?"
Suresh says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped
indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and
she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Puttu
Swamy waving his hand. And the teacher thinks ... (Maybe he really does know
the answer), so she calls on him. Puttu Swamy stands up and says:
"As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!"
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took
him aside after class one day.
"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that
is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After
visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a
witch doctor.
The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire,shook his rattle,and danced
wildly. When he was through he said,"I have placed a powerful spell on you,
but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and
you will get the largest erection that you have ever had.
After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3 and it will
be gone for one year." Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his
wife,"Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than
ever before.
His wife was amazed, she smiled and said,"That's great! But what did you say
1,2,3, for?
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had
written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the
class looking for a guily face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and
began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word
'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she
looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the
previous one.
Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets."
A mother told her daughter: "If someone sexually harass you by touching your
top part, you must shout 'DON'T!' and if he does it touching your low part
you must shout 'STOP!'"
Next day, the daughter came back crying home and told her mother she was
sexually harassed. The mother was so angry and asked her why? "What happened
my baby?"
"It was terrible mother… sob… I was in the elevator when he came in… and
there were two of us, then he touched my top so I shouted 'DON'T'" the girl
cried out.
"That is good", the mother commented.
"Then he touch my bottom and I shouted again 'STOP!', the girl said wiping
her tears.
"What happened… then did he try to touch you again?", the concerned mother
asked.
"He then touched my top and bottom at the same time and I shouted at him
'DON'T STOP!'"
A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in
and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered
her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another
drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving
the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the
barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken,
tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run
10 miles!"
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes
one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to
stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"Correct," says thedoctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now",he
says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breastcancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having
sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
A man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was
also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard,
usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He
made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for
yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new
neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,
opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help
noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really
struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand
dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor man when his wife appears and
stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few
moments. Finally, they return, and ask the man to step inside.
"Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars, you can kiss my
wife's tits."
At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang
free at last. The man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face
against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the
husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies the man, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed,
shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex
with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's
nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks
might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5
inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this
sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side,
sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at
him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.
Hey, this is great, he thinks - let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches.
Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be
perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"
A nurse in a mental institution walks into Ajay's room and spots him sitting
up in bed pretending to be driving a car. She asks him what he's doing.
Ajay says, "I'm driving to Mumbai on a business trip."
The next day, the same nurse observes Ajay driving, then he stops. She asks
him what he is doing now. Ajay says, "I just arrived at Mumbai."
The nurse, satisfied with Ajay's response leaves his room and ventures
across the hall to Anand's room.
Anand is completely naked on top of his bed wildly masturbating. The nurse
asks Anand what he thinks he is doing?
Anand says, "I'm fucking Ajay's wife while he's out of town!"
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.
For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful
girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece
of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and
eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she
shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do
you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser, I piss on everything - the sofa, the
drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are
prescribing it. It works for everything," He then turns to the yellow lab
and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab
then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the black lab says, "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want too hump everything I
see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started
humping away.
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you
too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time
to populate the earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve. Adam replied "God, what
is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A
little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord!
That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a
caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.
A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a
kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you
to take Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve
behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a
headache?"
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a small jar (bottle) and said,"Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man
reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean
and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my
left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands
and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the
damn jar open!
A man came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never
believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for
lovemaking."
"Really," she said , interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," he replies.
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that hes wife doesn't want to have
sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife
in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the
doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her
husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to
work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to
pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so
the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?'
so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have
any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this
time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home
I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are
we going to tell your husband or what?"
First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a
bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
The wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in
there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband was standing with his
trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine and humping away at it like
a mink.
Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting thing
I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the community that
you were having sex with the cow!"
The man, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowly pulling his
trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly replied, "Very
well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow and I'll tell everyone that
it's because the cow is better than you!"
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a
sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have
5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for,
you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling
you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men
here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move
on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and
thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it
short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are
still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and
thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that
there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on
up to the fifth floor.
On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his
female secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he
asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A guy starts chatting with a girl in a bar."What's your name?" he asks
"Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen',
because I love cars and men."
"I see," he says.
"What's your name?" she asks him.
He thought for a second. "Beerfuck."
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him
that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few
harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk
by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees
this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Oye, I
think you should stop now… your girl friend has gone home!"
A man was having all virtues and one day he gets married. After the first
night, his friends ask him, "Hey, how was the night bhai? Somehow you look
slightly worried."
Replied our man "Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at
the end, out of habit I gave her Rs.1000!"
"Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you fellows
only", consoled friends.
"Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately
returned Rs.200!"
A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice.
The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace
his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and
decides to go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man
has a fantastic baritone.
But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see
the doctor to try get his original equipment back.
He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my
organ back, my sex life has gone to pot."
"Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was
not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn
off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what
his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and
sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom
and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."
Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"
Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to
ex-models and ex-actresses..."
Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and
over again... until you're perfect at it !!"
Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it
on a lawn.
One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Wow, I'd give anything
to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three beers
and she'll be ready to do it in minutes."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single
one asks the other: "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX beers."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX beers! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
Once the king of Udaipur was fed up of his queen as she kept screwing all
his soldiers. He decided to reward the soldiers who could resist her.
To find the culprits he put a blade in the queen's cunt so the irresistant
soldiers' pens would be cut off.
The next day he made his soldiers stand naked.To his surprise all except one
had their pens chopped off.
The king then congragulates the one soldier but to his horror finds that he
has his tongue missing!
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the
bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said,
"Hey, about those politicians and the corruption in parliament..." "Stop - I
don't permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the God..."
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
A sexy girl in micro-mini gets into a crowded bus and doesn't find any seat
to sit. A sardarji offers her to sit on the his lap. She agrees as the way
was too long.
Sardarji: kudi, tusi student ho?
Girl: haan sardarji, par tusi kaise maloom hua?
Sardarji: tusi ke pass ye kitaab dekhkar.
After a while Girl: Sardarji tusi car mechanic ho?
Sardarji: haan, lekin tusi kaise pata?
Girl: Sardarji, tusi itti der se neeche se jack jo fit karne ki koshish me
ho.
Once a hunter was hunting in a jungle and was having a very bad day. Finally
he spotted a deer and aimed and shot. He missed and shouted angrily, "Oh
bhenchood, I missed!"
A sadhu sitting near by heard him and told him that the use of fowl language
on failure would make matters worse.
The hunter then saw a wild pig and shot and he missed again and cried out in
dismay, "Oh lund I missed again!"
The sadhu heard him and repeated his advice and said if the hunter used fowl
words again he'd vaporise him.
On missing a rabbit too, the hunter shouted again, "Oh gandu, I missed!"
This time the sadhu got really mad and raised his arm and asked god to send
a thunder bolt to vaporise the hunter... and suddenly a thunder bolt came
from the skies and the sadhu was vaporised. The hunter was surprised. He
looked up and heard a voice from the skies...
"Oh bhoosidee kay! I missed too!"
A guy met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with
him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. That there was plenty of heat;
3. That it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Kumar Singh was very upset as his son Parkaat Singh had fallen into bad
company and use to visit brothels regularly. In order to stop his son Kumar
Singh decided to have a man to man talk with his son.
Kumar Singh said, "Putar whaik tu heera mandi jaata hai, to tujhe wahan se
AIDS hogi, tujhe AIDS hogi to teri bewi ko hogi, teri biwi se mujhe hogi,
mujh se teri maan ko hogi, teri maan se saray pind (village) ko hogi!"
There was this man from Punjab who decided to do a little traveling. After
being on the road for several days and on reaching Delhi he was feeling
pretty horny, so he decided to stay a while in the city. That evening, he
hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about the red light area, so the cabbie
took him to one that he knew well.
After choosing a good-looking gal, they went upstairs. On the way, the girl
commented on how tall the man was. The man said everything from Punjab was
big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look, she said,
"I can see what you mean about everything from Punjab being big!"
"Yes ma'am," said the man. "I mean everything!"
After they had finished their business and were getting dressed, the man
asked, "By the way, ma'am, what part of Punjab are you from?"
A Sardar is passing thru desert and he was away from home for days and was
in need of a fuck. He looked around found no girl for hours and finally saw
a she Camel and thought the camel will do the job. He had a folding ladder
which he thought to use to climb on the back of the camel.
However, whenever the sardar put the ladder and tried to climb, the camel
moved foward and the Sardar kept falling.
Finally, he saw a lady coming towards him naked and horny. She said to the
Sardar, "What do you want… I can do anything for you???"
The Sardar replied, "Please hold the ladder so Ican climb and fuck this
camel."
One day, a six-year-old boy comes into his parents room at night while they
are having sex. Since he knows nothing about sex, he is amazed to see his
mom bouncing on top of his dad.
The next morning, he asks his mom why she was bouncing on Daddy. She
hesitates, then replies, "See, Daddy is very fat, so I bounce on him to make
his stomach go down."
The little boy says, "That won't work, Mommy."
His mom asks, "Why not?"
He replies, "Every day, after you leave the lady next door comes and blows
him back up."
The High-Tech Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he
decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis
into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was
automatic!
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much
pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he
quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his
penis, and his discomfort was quickly building.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He
tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from
your company. It works fantastically, but how do I remove it from
the cow's udder? I -- I mean the cow seems to be in a lot of
pain."
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was
programmed to release automatically once it's collected two
gallons of milk."
Mom Explains Sex To Her Daughter
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their room...they kiss
and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's
vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What
do you get when a you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Lettuce And Tomato In Bed
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool,
unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger
brother who is about 5 or 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little
fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little
brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal
climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his
girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and
"tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my
face."
Perfect Penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
It's Dark In Here!
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover
in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says,
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he
is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when
she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in
the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!
We're Making Babies
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his
wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into
it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured, "I'm not hurting her. We are
making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple
went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on
the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
His son replied, "It's those babies you were making with mommy
yesterday. The mailman is upstairs eating them!"
Breast Size And Sex
This is a true story. My family were all together recently, just
hanging around at Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through
an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found
in the book, which she then read aloud, "Did you know that a
woman's breasts increase in size by twenty percent during sex?"
My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come
yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause,
replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
The Dentist's Sexual Encounter
A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and
things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes
his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again.
So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to
it." They go on and they have sex.
Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very
good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing..."
Mom's Habit
Two young girls were sitting in front of the TV one night and
their parents were on the couch behind them. The Mother saw that
the girls were really involved in the program, so she turned to
her husband, lifted her eyebrow and nodded to upstairs.
Anxiously, the father nodded his head and ran upstairs with his
wife.
A few minutes later one of the girls turned around and couldn't
find her parents, so she went upstairs to look for them. She went
to their room and opened the door without her parents noticing.
Amazed at what she saw, she closed it very quickly and ran down
stairs to get her sister.
When she reached her she said "Come here, I have to show you
something!" Curiously the other sister followed her upstairs.
When they reached the door, the first girl turned to her sister
and said
"Now, remember how much Mom yelled at us when we sucked on our
thumbs.
Billy-Bob Goes To Town
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his
gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he
was confronted by the Sheriff. "Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask
you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin'
but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff,it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere," said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the
saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started
to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out
to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and
cuddlin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out
back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."
He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and
the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and
she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt
and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her
legs apart and said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town!' And, here I am
Sheriff!"
Fireman's Bell System
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we
all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on
the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same
way."
When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2,
I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to
screw all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell
1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife
jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw.
After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
What's for Supper, Honey?
A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their
honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next
morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way
to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big
breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there
sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up
to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new
wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make
you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up
to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and
sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked.
Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you
doing honey?"
To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"
Peeking On The Parents
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the
night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the
keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway,
saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my
thumb!"
Broken Toaster
A woman walks into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a
refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The
clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she
purchased it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and
starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, goes to get the store manager.
The manager walks up to the woman and asks if he can help her.
She explains that she would like a refund because the toaster she
bought doesn't work. He replies by telling her that he can't give
her a refund because she purchased it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The store manager says to her, "Why are you saying that?"
The woman replies, "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed
when I'm getting screwed!"
New Boots
Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always
wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do
you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and
the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out
completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says,
"Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause
it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
Yelling In The Bedroom
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem, Doc. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't
see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
Perfect Penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
Penny Drinks
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have
a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Another Use For Vaseline
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered
by a young woman with three small children running around her. He
asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she
agreed, he asked her if she knew his company,
Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among
their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that
product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question
because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it
for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that
most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank,
could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
Dances With Who?
A Native American boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled
look on his face.
"Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," she replied.
"Why is my sister's name Cornflower?" he asked.
"Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made her,"
the mother replied.
"And why is my other sister named Moonchild?" he asked.
"We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived," she
replied. "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Rent For Apartment
A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night
with her for $500. Before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed you will find check in the amount of $250
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was
plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and
at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the
heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not
blame the landlady.
The Monkey, The Lion, The Donkey And Man
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over
and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was
horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" he asked.
But the Lord was very adamant, and that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I
don't need twenty years," he protested, "Ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey
graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the
lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up,
"Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the
others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have
the other ten?" The donkey agreed.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus
ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten
years of making an ass of himself.
Roy Snow And June Hansen
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing
REALLY short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed
up in the truck.
"It's Snow. Roy Snow," he answered, "And what's yours?"
"I'm June. June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up
with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he replied, "having
eight inches of Snow in June?"
OK ... Not So Solo
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked
his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never
tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Two Bums Move Downtown
Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a
more downtown location so they hitched a ride with a trucker. The
driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you
like a hand job?"
The bum shook his head and said, "Uhhh, no it's okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"
The bum again shook his head and said, "Uhhh, no it's okay!"
After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd
better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10
minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"
Those Are Some Cute BabiesA man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for
a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started
asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father
are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom
salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my
company."
Show Me And I'll Give You A Hundred Bucks
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his
buddy's wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks
if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and
throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and
Chris says, "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them.
I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of
them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another
100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for
Tony and he leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your
weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he
drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Grandmother's Advice To Her Granddaughter
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those
young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to
try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like
that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to
try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace
the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her
date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as
the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him
disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on
top of him and disgraced his family."
Strange Sex Laws
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to
have sex without a permit.
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is
having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three
times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the
scene.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while
fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of
beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to
make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions,
or sardines.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a
saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds,
two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide
a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the
law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the
nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding
the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according
to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should
engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless
their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. In
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck
driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to
furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a
minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a
couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex
on the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex
with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal
charges, the woman's name will be published in the local
newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with
a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his
female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is
considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting Clinton).
You're Too Close!
A modest young lady had just purchased some lingerie and asked if
she might have the sentence, 'If you can read this, you're too
damned close' embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be
done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille!" she replied.
Russian Condom Crisis
Russian President Boris Yeltsin called President Clinton with an
emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President
cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a
true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within
their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send
1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4'
in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung
up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've
got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to
Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4'
wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM'
on each one."
The Age Test
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says
to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old
do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will
be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
Voodoo Penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He
knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The
Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back
to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he
was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would
willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she
became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to
drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and
set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an
upscale department store and approached the saleslady in
lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the
store and proceeded to another department store where she is
rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving
the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
Clearasil?"
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game, the guys notice that the girl knows just as much
about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.
After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much
about baseball?"
She replies, "Well, I used to be a guy and had a sex change
operation."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What
was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut
off your penis?" one of them asked.
"That was very painful, but it was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your testicles?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Well, what was the most painful part?" one of the other guys
inquired.
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
half!"
Chemical Analysis Of WomenElement: woman
Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 -
160 lbs.
Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
1) surface usually covered in painted film
2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) melts if given proper treatment
4) bitter if used incorrectly
5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common
'ore
Chemical Properties:
1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones
2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male
4) insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by
saturation in alcohol
5) yields to pressure applied to correct points
Uses:
1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) most powerful money-reducing agent known
3) can be a great aid to relaxation
Tests:
1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state
2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen
Caution:
1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas (Utah,
etc.)
The Creation of WomanOne day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls
out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want
it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your
every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that
of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you," replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get
for a rib?"
Why Fish Smell!
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found
that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every
month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
Damn," said God, "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her
old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud
of it. She knew her last days were getting closer,
so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription on her tombstone - "Born as a
virgin, lived as a virgin,died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and
the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy
no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to
be unnecessarily
long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a
conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks
the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?"
says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get
numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.
"I had a heart attack," says the first guy. "You
see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I
showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down
to the basement,
but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second
floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as
fast as I could to the attic, and just as I
got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head and says, "That's so
ironic". "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If
you had only stopped to look in the freezer,we'd
both still be alive."
> >
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven (ahem!). St.
Peter was giving her a tour of the Heaven when she
noticed here were dozens of large clocks on the
wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she
asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We
have a clock for each person on earth and every time
they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off
one-second each time a lie is told."
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock
belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for
Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He had only
told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked, "Where is Bills' clock?"
St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office....He
is using it as a ceiling fan"
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very
exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey,
be careful when you drive. If we break one of
those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it
right through the window of the biggest house on
the course.
The husband cringed. "I warned you to watch
out...now we'll have to go up there and apologize
and see how much that lousy drive is going to
cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm
voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door
they saw glass all over the place and a broken
bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A
man
reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people
that broke the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you.You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three
wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last
one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. "He pondered
a moment and blurted out "I'd like a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No, problem it's the least I can do." And you
young lady, what you want?" the genie said looking
at the wife.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country
in the world" she said."Consider it done." The
genie said.
"And what's your wish, genie?" they asked in unison.
"Well, since I've been tapped in that bottle and
haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years,
my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those
houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for
a few moments and said "Considering all that, I
guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her
for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been
satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over
he looked at the wife and asked, "How old is your
husband?"
"He's 35" she responded breathlessly.
"No Shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot
still believes in genies?"
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an
afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old
and the bride was just 23 years old. The groom
looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the
wedding night might
kill him since his young bride was a healthy,
vivacious woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came
down the main staircase slowly, step by step,
hanging onto the banister for dear life. She
finally
managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like
you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and
managed to speak, "Geez,he told me he'd been saving
up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a
cake with this inscription: "You are not getting
older, You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just
put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You
are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was
huge rush the security
guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo
replied "65Kgs" and moved
on...
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference
between Bihar and Las
Vegas..So he called up the Tourist department and
asked them "Ji..could you
tell me the time difference between Patna and
LasBegas...". The man at the
other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies"thank> you" and puts the phone down.
Laloos family planning policy..
"DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells
the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion
says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks,
"AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo
replies: "LALOO YADAV,MARRIED."
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo
decides to go modeling. Once
he enters the herd of buffaloes and rest in his
elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the
photo. Next day the photo
appears front page of a newspaper.
GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation
for Business
Development to Bihar.The Japanese Emissary was quite
impressed with Bihar
and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us
three years and we will
turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very
inepicient," he stated.
"Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the
next Bihar !"
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working
on for quite sometime,
Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a
friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG."
The friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies
"SEE THIS NOTE, IT
READS- "FOR 4-7 YRS".
Bill Clinton decided to teach' Laloo English,so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives
in full grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the
tution inside the White house, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo
English. Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out.
The whole country and its economy has come to a standstill, and press,news reporters from all
over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome. At last one day, the door opens,
and out comes Laloo -beaming his resplendant white smile, looking cool and unruffled. However,
Bill looks totally dazed,his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has
scratch marks all over his face.
Theshocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr.Clinton ?"
Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"
During an International conference, three scientists, an American, a German, and an Indian, were
talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved
in the field of medicine.
The American said "In Washington,there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached
artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and
a gold medalist !"
The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have achieved.Back in Berlin, there was a baby
girl born without legs so weattached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time
Olympics arathon gold medalist !"
The Indian interjected " Is that all you have achieved , just gold medalists? In Patna, Bihar
we had a baby boy born without a HEAD ! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has
grown up and now he is the Chief Minister of Bihar !"
Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane.
Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash!
And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of
here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.
Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have
to live !" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this
country, the most honest politician of India ....and above all the most intelligent person
living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live !"
Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane. The old saint
said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old
man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said, "Don't worry ! There are still two parachutes left with us ! The most
intelligent person,Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag !"
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